Ohio’s Mennonite maltsters [APRIL FOOLS]

Matthew, Rockmill’s taste tester.

Rockmill Brewery is only a half hour from downtown Columbus, but upon arrival you feel as if you’ve stepped two hundred years into the past. Here horse-drawn buggies clop down gravel paths, smoke swirls slowly from chimneys, and the nearest thing to the twenty first century is my two-and-a-half decade old Bimmer. But the air is fresh, the water is clear, and the Amish are cranking out world-class beer like the Trappists. I was met by Isaac Yoder, one of Rockmill’s Mennonite brewers. He gave an overview of the brewery, their products, and their culture.

[Sage Wolfe] When I think of Amish products, I think of cheese and oak furniture, not beer. What gives?

[Isaac Yoder] We found that our water is naturally very good for producing Belgian style beers. And we thought, well, if the Cistercians can do it, so can we. They’re just monks. We’re Amish. It’s way easier than making furniture. Have you ever tried to make a chair? It’s hard.

[SW] Has the brewery been as successful as you’d hoped?

[IY] Yeah, business has been great. Too bad we have to give the money to charity. We’ve even taken to calling our neck of the woods “Little Belgium.” There was some talk of even dressing up like monks, but the women in our congregation don’t find robes all that sexy.

[SW] What’s your favorite Rockmill Beer? I have really been enjoying both of the tripels.

[IY] Well, I enjoy brewing the saison most because of the aroma. But I haven’t tried any of them. That’s one difference between the Trappists and ourselves – we don’t even drink the weaker beers. We had designated one worker, Matthew, as our taste tester. But now he just gets drunk all the time, so we had to shun him. Now we just make the beer and hope for the best.

[SW] Seriously? That blows. I bet you don’t even get to look at porn.

[IY] What’s porn?

Around this time, a horse-drawn buggy comes fishtailing around a corner.

[IY] That’s Matthew. Obviously drunk.

[SW] Wait, seriously?

[IY] Yeah. Yelling spooks the horses, and apparently drunk people yell like all the time. Since we don’t drink, there’s a lot we didn’t know. Call it market research. On our first batch, we thought it went bad. Matthew had drank maybe five or six bottles and started throwing up everywhere. It’s been a learning experience.

 [SW] What are your plans for the future?

[IY] We have a few ideas. First, we have a guy coming in from Schrute Farms. They’re a little outfit in Pennsylvannia that’s going to train us on the three B’s: beets, bed, and breakfast. Everyone I know loves beets, and all those yuppies from the city think farms are cute. I think it’ll work out really well.

This obviously April Fools article is inspired by the guy I overheard on March 8^th at Whole Foods ‘explaining’ Rockmill Brewery to his parents. Thanks, guy at Whole Foods. Also, the guy in the photo is Drink Up’s Ryan Bell. He just looks like that. Thanks, Ryan.